Toiling with your hands. Creating. Crafting. Thinking.
These are things that inspire me. Things that I enjoy.
Fulfilling a need. Making money. Quantity over quality.
These are not things that I enjoy.
I find that I do far more of the latter list in my current occupation, and I find that I am hardly inspired to do great things by the thought that I might make $100 more this month than last. I find that my only inspiration is aspiration... that I want to do more with my life, and that to do more with my life I must be successful in this position. That would buy me a chance at a higher pay grade, a different position, a new life.
Those of you who read this blog tend to know me, for those of you that do not.. I hope to show you the underlying frustrations of my life as it currently stands.
My job is inconsequential. I am not paid to be unique, or even to create things requiring skill. I am paid to do a LOT of work, not do quality work. Not solve problems, or come up with ideas. I am paid to work, and work hard.
For some people, my coworkers, this is enough. Many of them are floundering with thoughts of where their life will take them, and many of them spent their time in college preparing for a business world job. I did not.
I studied a specific set of knowledge which prepared me for a specific job that I discovered I did not want to do. I discovered an alternative job that I could do, but when it was offered to me I turned it down due to the fact that it fulfilled my desire to be creative and thought-provoking... but it did not quench my thirst for advancement. There was nowhere to go to after working a few years at that job, there was no room for advancement if I succeeded, and much internal strife at the time I would be joining.
So I took the job I currently have. Much more organized, much steadier and defined.. but no room for creativity either. It fulfilled my thirst for a change (I moved.) and my thirst for advancement (given time and success.. movement up is inevitable). It also provided a sizable paycheck, which is important when living on your own.
However... Now I am reevaluating my desires, as recent conversations have trended towards me defending my job for all the wrong reasons. I find after some thought, that the bottom line is that I will not be good at my job. I cannot produce the quantity they want because I am not well-suited for the position. My skills DO lay in interacting with people of all types, but my interactions are extremely shallow in this position. Thus, they buy me no foothold... My skills lie in research and problem-solving, in logic and debate, yet these skills are things I cannot put to use. When I do, I find that I am taking far too long to do the tasks I should be doing quickly and without thought. In fact, I am most successful when least motivated and least thought-provoking.
I have determined that this must stop. I know it cannot stop immediately, I know that this will take discussion with close friends and an open mind... but now I know far more than I did previously, and now I can have honest discussions without reservation or defense. I know a lot of very intelligent people, and I should consider their words and ideas as much as I consider mine.
To those of you who read this, know that today I am beginning preparations for another major change. An unknown one. I have a direction, but I am open to all suggestions, so long as they are honest. All forms of contact are open to discussion, and all discussion I hope to have is with those of you who read this.
I have learned so much since college. I have grown so much. It is time to find something worth my continued growth. Let's rock this thing.